new year says the world.

a forsaken dream.
a single flower is a tomb for the eyes
long i looked
swaying in winter
under a floorboard in a cold room of its spell

i offer this moment up to the sky!
as a chance to say

fuck the numbers
that say how far i am from the beginning
and how close to the end

.death is always.
.never foretold.
.i tip my hat to it but go on living.
.as a life-crazed whatever.

happy winter

Mish mashed raw pumpkin rose thorns

lavender lavender sage healing herbs a positive outlook McDonald's closing down in Bolivia"they're just more into empanadas than big macs down there" christianity the crown of thorns is (just) pagan sun-worshipping

That is Mount Athos, a peninsula in Greece where only monasteries exist, as they have existed since the 4th century. They are self-sufficient, use Byzantine time (where the new day begins at sunset not midnight), no women are allowed, and they pray non-stop, and for 8 hours each day collectively in the church. Long beards, golden icons, and magnificent cliffs over the aegean.

Wow. My brother is there right now. Maybe he will decide to become a monk?

Found a dead seagull today.

Find myself able, this time around, to release judgment... or at least not get emotionally caught up in the ecological/political concerns I have with my family's lifestyle. I feel peaceful... practicing guitar, walking, being present with my parents. I feel also a very slight but very real worry that this release from attachment is allowing me to be too comfortable with what is...?

(refrain: you can't change anyone, you can only inspire through being yourself)

It was great to see many of you recently in Oakland and redwood-land. Ended up the next night at a "naughty Santa" party in Santa cruz with a mostly middle-aged crew, where I felt suddenly very out of wack, like all the things I'd been defending/advocating about the west coast new-agers were suddenly spun round round wrongside down. thankfully music and contact dance always soothe the spirit. grateful for all the different perspectives. grateful for you and you and you and you and you and yous who I didn't see too.

it's a new moon tonight, kiddies, make yer wishes

portland. the eve on the eve on the eve of whatever

the person who is seen across the dark street
revealed in a passing window
between the glare of the screen and
the body bent forward trying to become one
with what will never be.

just when we think the rush of our life
is beautiful
it is not.
just when we think the trash of our life
is beautiful
it is not.
it's about how we do something. not what we do.

how many times have i been caught
thinking i was transcending
when two steps back worth of perspective
i am revealed to be
another fashionable drunk
another reclaimed consumer
another hipster.
hoping this time around i'll
deserve this high.
i deserve this gaud
i am different.
ive been through the fire
ive been on the mountain
ive felt extremes of pleasure of pain
i met death and we made love
im a drug addict's son
i write poetry i make art
i speak with my eyes
what i say matters
because hardly anyone anymore
says something with heart.

mt hood choking river bearded head asymmetrical haircut
says dont worry world, recognize me. i got the right kind of consciousness.
i vomit looking out onto the scene, but nothing
comes out because what i feel has already been felt.
ive seen the names on the shelves, ive been to the museums, ive heard the records.
this is grief.
i dont care if it can be spelled different ways
like s-h-u-t u-p
y-o-u-r-e d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d
y-o-u-l-l n-e-v-e-r b-e s-a-t-i-s-f-i-e-d.
this is grief
i'll never be silenced
i reject my possibility.

ooh ooh I wrote a poem last night too

saturday or wednesday
twitching phrases catch an ear
here and there
but the purposeful driver
parked instead.

TO WHAT A1M THE RIGHT OF W4Y?

the prong bent, the plug refused, and yet -
once inside, a torrent.

once a smile, more.

tho this great wizard said to
stifle it if you can

AER4TE YOUR CA8INET

or at least shuffle with a little more deliberation, godamit,

but vulgarity is lossed on me
I’m so big I condense gravitudes
including the gnarls of age
and the horses therein

so, as HOLLYWOOD say,
(spirits these days):

sometimes you eat mary, but sometimes you AVE maria.

carrying the honey in my tummy need to build a home, need to lace a comb race against time finding the sweetness to survive
in this time of salt

yes, what a thrill to be assaulted by your true desires
and yes, to feel. it is beautiful to feel.

and to move from such a life monastic and of doing without
having sacrificed,, the clutter, the confusion, even the glamor, the gold
to bare bones practicality
the structure to keep you walking
please, no frilly thing to distract.
time spent teasing out the knots, tedious and trying
to find those special dew drops
those soft white magnolias
that curl in your palm
to reawaken the grace of your imagination
the beauty of style
and the importance of things called your own

on the occasion of winter solstice

Pain Thinks of Addressing the Body

As you tear down the frozen
stalks, as you rake over the garden,

as you drain the fountain,
and at night, listening for the small

shapes of animals lunging
through snow--

you are not thinking of paradise.
Like you, I endure

as the season you love endures,
radiant and frozen.

- from "the fork without hunger" by laurie lamon

gotta say it gotta say it

oh this song -- "loose lips" by kimya dawson

[so if you wanna burn yourself remember that i love you
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that i love you
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that i love you

call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, i'll be your friend]

i have been sitting with the recent suicide of my friend, this beautiful beautiful 18-year old boy i knew who wore funny sweaters and had just alit into flight, hitchhiking across the country from one portland to another to a punk show where he danced hard hard hard and shouted "i need a place to live!" and he went to the library every day and was a feminist and queer ally and hadn't really fallen in love yet and i wanted to kiss him one day when he was a little bit older. i don't have that much to say about it right now. except the realization that of course of all the people i know and love there are probably at least a bunch who walk a line of wanting to fall off the other side and maybe i don't tell people enough that they are hella important and their voices are needed in the world and i love them and i would miss them. so this is the stupidest way to do it perhaps but it's real right now for me.

i just want to begin this crypt by saying that it was a bon-a-fide pleasure seeing many of you just recently in oakland! really really
it fills my heart
having the honor of such sparkly, strange, lovely creatures.
everyone's invited to portland!
until we meet again,
((sooner than we think))
i'm glad we have this touchstone,
love,
fox

~~~~<<*@
AND in our next chapter
WE ADD BINDING TO OUR BOOK.
no more reckless writing
of unhinged desperation
pages we scribbled out of
LUST and LOVE and the
CRAVING FOR MADNESS
ripped and tossed onto the shore.

I TAKE WHAT you've given me NOW
and i can keep it..
not with the frightment of doctrine or scripture,
but just the ENCHANTMENT OF LORE.
---~-~-~~;,..*

the deep dark well is frightening
the deep dark well i chose

from here, i hear my voice
with rich vibrations
the resonance holds me tight

from here, i see the sweetest
s t a r s
they swell into the night

and outside these stone walls
wait my family,
all lovers, all friends
a birthday party without end

the deep dark well is long and lovely
the deep dark well is home.

nailed

and being the last to leave this time, after sacrificing leaving to the great fire at samhain.

that has meant: sticking around to see what happens, fighting my desire to leave prematurely, to make casual exits and smoke a cigarette on the way home, admitting when things feel really good, maybe trading rhizomes or roots or budding fungal networks for beloved light burdens and roadsnaxxx.

right here right now

soon headed to the bay

trading newfound comfort challenge falling-into for pilgrimages in the name of family

to return and to be returned to

and the integration of all selves isn't always comfortable

but i'm convinced there's something important in it.

yesterday i found a cabin in the woods and tried to get in through the chicken coop.

i have admitted that the moon is important.

i have told the sun that i miss it when it's not around.

i have come to remember cold fingers and cold toes and the pleasure of layers.

i am ready for something.

maybe that's all,

the mirrors in my life are shrouded for the moment

i trust that i am doing okay.

i repeat: our community is strong and resilient.

i repeat my prayer for strength and clarity.

i repeat: you are loved and needed

cause what i put out keeps on coming back

so i will collect my things, pull them out of boxes and cracks in the sidewalks

and put a shim in my heart to keep it cracked open

cause that's how the light gets in

And i'll take all the world's poems

and undress them

to their

blush

(no more metaphor, no more simile!)

give me the truth

show me your eyes

----------------------their ancient strain for the love of god

And for this i'll cry.