kissed by a rose on a fascist's boot

uh huh huh hunnnh caffeine you devil
"does your mommy know you're a pansexual satanist on the internet?"

it's not very "don't fucking tell me what to do"
to ask for your hand to ease me to the floor by the shoulder
right?

give me your diminutives
oh you'll stand up to me, boy?
will you?
my knees'll buckle before you even begin to raise the gun
call me, boy
call me "boy"

i read "number the stars"
before i ever saw a man stuff his fist in a woman's mouth
i forced my dolls on each other
before any one ever asked, "chocolate or vanilla?"
but i definitely, definitely learned the phrase
"i'll be good for you, i'll be so good for you"
after all that

it's not sick if you imagine that someone just happens to know what's better for you, right?

hunnnnh
god bless your ragged fingernails
praise be to st. slyvia plath and daddy bastards
send prayers for the me that is when i can't get turned on

i'll ask first, i'll always ask first
promise daddy
promise, daddy

would you leave me?

frank,
did the fatty chanteuses make millions off of one single heartbreak in your day too?
did your friends have a thousand word business cards?
[did you ask, what should we call me?]
we both see the special providence in the fall of a pigeon, now don't we?

ffffffffrank, frankie, frankssss, frank frank frank
i'd tattoo your face on my face if it weren't so fucking tacky
can we go at my speed for just a mo, a mo-mo-mo?
i got gum in my hair and rainwater in my shoes
girls like me are so much more fun when we're rich
teach me penniless fun
or do you not know it?

you and me, principesa
will you get on board with my new hardness?
------> will you love my face if i am snarling?
or
alternate scenario:
better yet
you've always known
that someday you would have to sharpen your tongue on the whetstone of my failure but it still seems like tumbling into dog's mouth where you'll find a beehive full of tiny assassins who will whisper "GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK" and still you'll keep on tumbling because if you don't...well things will stay the same and that would be so very very wrong

i've been where you've been monsieur o'hara
am i where you are
the cliff face of goodbye
it is hard to remember that just because a thing ends (or seems to) does not mean it had no worth to begin with
a thing can be eternal if it is repeated
your day
my day
teach me penniless, monastic, friendless fun

two posts within 24 hours

today what a nice foggy thing cant believe 26 degrees feels warm
i have my pants rolled up

i will stop going to my classes and am feeling very buoyant
realizing my agency and wielding it despite the words (sometimes my own) of caution, of expectation -- o b l i g a t i o n
ill continue my dance class though because it is fun and feels good

my nature/environmental class was especially getting to me
i found myself at the end of each one incredibly tight in the muscles and face
and feeling unlocatably angry, unlocatable because my whole was reacting to this droning violence not just a part
my brain had to fight off so much blatant reductionism and convenient assumptions put out by the professor who spoke like a loom spinning and spinning unchecked
it was exhausting trying to protect all the mind-heart-work, mind-renewal i have been doing this past year. my brain couldnt wear his ideas, it had expanded beyond fitting
so i did a k, bye
and next came my drawing class
domino effect
guess at this point i am just not interested in doing anything i dont want to do
and i have desires
it has to be genuine at this point or nothing
dont give the faintest shit about bourgeois safety net, or the $ching$ching
some days,
there are so many ways to stay the same;
a kind of day
i feel id rather die than pretend to live