here's a little piece of crap i wrote on a piece of paper when i was in a car a couple weeks ago.............
driving through Santa Barbara oh my gosh
so much yucky California
whiteness sunshiney pueblos palms,
the sunshine here poisons,
it rots, spoils the heart
with entitlement
and self-satisfaction
fermenting

I'm not bitter,
I'm pissed.
that all these motherfucking white people
look at this land and see paradise--
sun, salt, surf, tanlines, SUVs,
colonial walks,

This state, and all it promises,
a sick joke,
only made more disturbing
by its reality
---------------------------=============+++-

back in oregon now and indeed my California Cough is gone... plagued me for weeks.!
im here in portland feeling as uninspired the likes of which i have not felt in months,
wtf? why am i here?
i am bleeding,
bleeding as of last night,
i find that my emotional template during these weeks (these irregular, when are you where are you i need you blood when when, weeks) shifts to joylessness
ugh
i dont even know what i stand on
i have not danced because it is winter, because people like to dance at night and i like to sleep with the sun
that is my excuse
this life does not work,
the life of living in a kitchen and listening to music, dancing singing,
getting on the computer to look for homes,
and getting sad
nope nope nope
when i see wy'east (mt hood)
or the moon moon
look at me from over there i say
hey
what?
oh
fuck





can i please be grounded enough to speak to this person from my gut
to be here with my heart
and say hi

and can i also be crazy fucked up enough
to glue feathers to my ass
strap on my heels
and burrow into the soil?

my religion is as beautiful as theirs

you go parallel to things
there is room for us in between
but if you go against things
say, perpendicular
there is no room to fit
there is overlapping
what is it to fit

moving a body against a body
but none of it really works
and not quite, quite moved by any each who
goes safely through

dead birds littered on the floor of the world
because they couldnt stay high
mama EnglanD is selling all their forests
half gone by 2020 go the hopeful speculations
as anything with the look of 20XX makes me
a sick lick of anger

walking backwards from the middle of the quads all the way to the reg
has people looking scared
but i not a dead bird (fireworks!) fish (water too cold) crab (water too bubbly)
im not the congresswoman with a bullet through her head
im not that person sitting in that classroom in front of professor shit-eating-grin

feeling i give deadly eye contact
now i dont know how to
knit flame to put my baby teeth in

"In the deserted harbour there is yet water that laps against the quays. In the dark and silent forest there is a leaf that falls. Behind the polished panelling the white ant eats away the wood. Nothing is ever quiet, except for fools. "