how being on the computer makes me feel kind of weird and empty and sad

standing still, it is impossible to see how things have changed so much.
from longing comes movement.
from movement comes the recognition of change.

small changes add up to small movement,
or perhaps not small at all.

a warm house, a cold day, quiet breathing,
reaching out for poetry--adrienne rich, marge piercy, t.s. eliot, rumi--
to locate myself in this ever-shifting world.

to remember, understand, anchor
the feeling of my body
filling with the light of the full moon.

did you know
that come
comes from the moon?

as life is becoming quieter
the voices in me become shriller.
perhaps this is anxiety, or fire.

i have filled my new small cabin with bins and boxes.
there is not space for all my books, so i will have to choose.
for hours, there is no sound unless i sing or speak aloud,
or the pings and pops of jar lids and things ready to fall from their perches.

i am afraid of getting lost. i am afraid
of the quiet incubating desperation of winter
of dreams without movement.

love, fear. fear, change. change, death. death, sex. sex, desire. desire, liberation. liberation, shame. shame, silence. silence, waiting. waiting, wanting. wanting, giving. giving, taking. taking, opening. opening, change.
change, love death fear death sex death desire liberation change waiting silence death shame opening giving love silence waiting fear taking opening change. sweet potatoes, woodstoves, pine pitch, bitter leaves, coconut oil, toothache, blankets, car exhaust, gasoline, cancer, collapse, elections, morning rituals, small songs, the moon my body the moon my body.

we are moving into the darkness now,
sun stealing away earlier and earlier,
even noon gray-dark with clouds.

missing times, longing times, quiet times,
dreaming times, visioning times, cozy times,
wishing times, deep times, learning times,
resting times, planning times, slow times.

so we dance--
around fires,
on wood floors,
in parking lots,
in the grocery stores,
in the waiting moments,
like our lives depend on it,
like we are dancing for the dead who long for the pleasure of being in a body.

midnight mooning, here's the list

1. woah, it's going to be okay!
2. "you should know that even though all things are liberated and not tied to anything, they abie in their own phenomenal expression." (Dōgen--this is actually very comforting to me)
and
3. "as for cities--they are (to those who can see) old tree trunks, riverbed gravels, oil seeps, landslide scrapes, blowdowns and burns, the leavings after floods, coal colonies, paper-wasp nests, beehives, rotting logs, watercourses, rock-cleavage lines, ledge trata layers, guano heaps, feeding fenzies, courting and strutting bowers, lookout rocks, ad ground-squirrel apartments. and for a few people they are also palaces." (gary snyder in the practice of the wild which i am reading and really enjoying right now)
4. idleness and mystery and stillness and the full moon and curiosity are so important. i am stepping off my ambiguity pedestal and toward desire and fire and water and the steam and smoke where they meet and walking mountains and being on the internet at midnight seeing my memories and loves and desires reflected back in a thousand tabs--oh silly but sometimes true-feeling this tool of the modern world, of our increasingly visible subconsciousnesses--i believe in german transqueer radical radio and rilke and bread and work and magic and new tattoos across knowing flesh and pain and slowness and quickness.
5. things have been rough lately and often hard. in a knowingly privileged and marginally unstable kind of way.
6. of place: wood floors. the altar moved to the next room over. it is night and the neighbors are doing some kind of loud popping project in the garage and talking about race on their porch. the walls are red and i ate a tiny plum that dropped from the tree in our front yard. there is an herb spiral and kale plants and lots of tomato blossoms. the cherries are dropping in neighboring blocks and yarrow in flower. raspberries are out, gold and red! and salmonberries! and strawberries too! and oregon grapes not too far (not that those are nearly as tasty but still). it has been sunny off and on, rainy occasionally, gray here and there often, warm but never quite hot per se, the doors are open here in the day and closed at night--it is chilly but i will sleep outside tonight.
7. STRANGERCAT i will write a poem about you soon.

aw oh

well i am i feel at a crossroads, and it could be a very boring crossoad
or it could be so much?
right now
today
tonight
the family,
that had been a-brewing winter plans
well
what happened?
they didnt materialize
fact
&this is ok! this is ok!

but i think i should let go!
when all our wills are truly aligned
they will align
and we will all feel good bringing our whole selves
but i dont want to compromise
and i dont think we should

i am young
i am fucking young
and i am fucking alive
and i fucking love you