Jupiter is passing through Aries, which explains all this luck I´m experiencing....

Guatemala, lago d`atitlan. San Marcos is a little town on the lake where every other house is a meditation or healing center. Music every night at the ganesh collective, up the giant elephant trunk staircase. I feel a bit like I´m back in California with the new-age hippies and rainbow kids down by the lake, but then I walk up into the village and am greeted by all the guatemalan families, the kids asking for a quetzal, the girls wondering about my jewelry.

A coincidental series of events upon my arrival led me to climb up the mountain and find Fernando´s house, an architectural masterpiece in progress with the most fantastic view I´ve ever seen. You can see the entire lake, the volcano, and all the surrounding villages. He wasn´t there upon my arrival, but a young Austrian traveler gave me a pair of keys and said I could probably move in. My room has a buddah on one wall decorated with turquoise and sea shells, opposite a mural of the ruins at Palenque.
Met Fernando yesterday- a Mexican man in his fifties who made a lot of money when he was younger, and since then has been living in ashrams, traveling, and being an artisano. His dream now is to turn this place into an eco-community to survive next years financial apocalypse, and so he´s grounding out to build and garden. He even has another piece of land in Oaxaca which is Plan B if San Marcos gets swept away.

He´s open to Brea and I doing whatever we want while we´re here-- painting, gardening, chilling. He´s not interested in money and just wants to make community. To share love and spiritual growth. I am so astounded by this blessing. Wow. I sense I´ll be making a home and sticking around for a while, maybe taking some shiatsu classes, but mostly reading, writing, and helping build up on the hill.

Ripe mangoes, pineapple, and avocado... rainbow family... a room of my own surrounded by coffee plants and banana trees. Somehow it keeps getting better.

I´m learning that the more specific intentions I have for my space, my life, my crafts, the better they manifest. Have been doing a lot of mind-mapping to clarify what this world can be for me. And it seems to work.
I feel somehow overly positive for this blog, but it´s like- damn, there is another reality out there if you are open to it. As Don Juan says, just watch for the signs.

and

we're famous!
(but we all knew that already)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYCRqvvtj0Y
we show up halfway through looking beautiful/fucking absurd.
http://www.bilerico.com/2011/01/gay_shame_on_roe_v_wade_protesters.php#more

oh oh oh

mochi pie in oven, CA

didnt know life could be like this in america.
places like this are what i thought i desired>>>>>
but no.
desire is taken at the instant i call it my own
then churned through THE MACHINE (a kind of joke) and
spit out charading as the same desire
but so different
now fetishized, aestheticized.
disambiguation has happened
and so has hollowness

desire is not being able to have exactly what you want.
the machine, or whatever we want to call it doesnt get that. better yet:
we dont get that
when we get what we want
we die:
our exact undreams stand erect as graves before our sleep is even over
but made of balsam wood and echoing no substance

tonight i am in california and am in the mood to think: no this is not what i have wanted.
i dont want anything anymore .
but by saying this i imply i want everything
genuine
intentional
and more
which just might happen by rejecting wanting in order to have and be
dunno


so, ill try and try again to take all i care for and choose my own movement
not the movement of the collective with all its trinkets and insignia
and lies like hope + mass awakening.
perhaps choose to be poor but rich.
choose how to be possible and why.
the sun will be out
and i might ask you
what do you care about ?
let's keep together

"something somewhere!" he cried out in his sleep

oh gee it's rainy in oakland

wet feet wet hems of pant legs dirty underwear gold candles

going through a matchbook to try and light a cigarette,

walking through a puddle to remember that my rainboots have opened their soles to rain

looking for a warm hole (bucket? pot of soup?) to dive into and curl up till

the rain stops,

thought i'd evaded winter but oh hello.

but when i think of it that way it's not so bad,

this time, this quiet, once i'm curled up to read-zine-reflect-ponder-talk to friends old and new-play bananagrams by candlelight

not what oakland's been so far

(does a home, a nest in some woods or a tree, ever promise to be warm and dry and stable all the time? are all and any things cold and wet "miserable?")

the cold air through the last few boarded-up windows and the dripping in the front hall

are boring

though

and other souls wandering through attracted like moths to our candles and

recent-found patched-up walls and stability,

quiet dreams of the wood-burning stove (not just a game we're playing, though that too)

bernard maybe leaving with their pile of zines and shame about their teeth and beautiful face in the morning, katrina maybe too to go be present in the northeast with some mending hearts and sighs of dying,

and more kids coming in

a reminder for me about how things change, slow and fast and always,

to see this house grow up in weeks like the bao did over years

like trees over decades

like rye grass roots in minutes (3 miles of root hairs a day! i read).

i am trying to keep myself happy for me and also for others

i find recently that being around loud people makes me quiet, stressful people very chill, perhaps being around sad people makes me rejoice in the small pleasures of oatmeal all the more:

raisins vila almonds cinnamon nutmeg real maple syrup flaxseed out the wazoo

i will sigh and return to pat califia, who has at this moment to say:

"at times like these, i remember the spanner case because it renews my faith in being out of the closet and fighting back. the american gay press ignored spanner, scared off by the thunderclap of spanking and the rattling of chains. but it should serve as a powerful inspiration and model for any group of people who would like to live in a sexually sane society.

it all started in 1987..."

(didn't we all)

& just gets better and better

still T-totalling, how about that?

did it ever occur to anybody back in the good ole angry baohaus days that "for nothing, against everything" and "take it down from the outside" is also a False Binary?
ps. if you have an android phone i just published a new app called Crowd Control - think anonymous, localized text chatting by gps.
pps. not drinking makes other substances more effective in general. also makes me a better programmer. also makes my mood much calmer. shockingly, i'm beginning to understand mr. franklin.

An earthquake a few nights ago signaled a shift, a change in direction, and now there is rumbling, moving out, flowing from circus-land to the next adventure.

I feel unsure of what that direction is for me, and ridiculously anxious about the next step. I keep looking to animals to tell me what to do. The crab walks sideways. The lizard stays put. My feet are itchy. Seeing how I´ll balance ¨`flow is gonna flow`with my own initiation-energy. Most probably I´ll jump into the coconut truck tomorrow with these gypsy musicians who´ve shown up and we´ll head towards Panamanian hot springs. Then, north? south? (the snake whispers both directions into my ears).

Remember the meditation I proposed? Landscape, geometrical object, ladder? Well the landscape is your soul, the size of the object is the size of your ego, and its texture and shape is the make-up of your heart. The ladder shows the way into your heart. If you want a reading, just message.

also, for the rainbow chakra-balancing diet, one should eat red orange yellow foods in the morning, green and blue foods in the afternoon, and blue, purple, gold, white foods in the evening. try it out! and then try living off of just light! like moses.

reminder of someone i never met before

a massive blizzard has just swept over city chicago
its dark avenues of nothing but screams and sweeping snow wind
eliza and i traveled out into it
two lumps bleating in our disappearance
went to bao
smoked cigarettes i didn't want to smoke
spoke words i didnt speak
he turns and says
"words from you often feel like the ones
that were never there"

my death could be
right now.
little deaths
we can spend against our life
to adorn the constant anxiety of
right now.

im biding my days here
unable to stay and unable go because i am unsure if i can leave eliza here
living in our apartment alone bearing this place
but i am going a kind of crazy
deflating
into a different self every day
one i less admire and take interest in

today the snow was very high and no cars were able to drive
this changed everything
for an hour
people were smiling and saying hi to one another
taking walks to the water
almost relaxing calm expressions with
the whole place buried in white

maybe i am not getting across here
maybe i smoked a bit
maybe i just read a devastating, beautiful critique of universities-capitalism
maybe im naked on a huge weird pillow
maybe im stupid or confident and burning alive
maybe my body is starting to make me nervous
it is making me nervous

now my edges are burning with the detritus of the hours
let the self-loathing just expand enough to take me. yet
if i had to dance the most beautiful dance to save it all
whatever it is we feel we have lost
yeah i definitely could do it

lying on floor
no school tomorrow for this place
i have numbers flooding from my name
got loans and barcodes
wigs are spilling over from the closet
dildo confused within computer cords
tomorrow will begin again on replay of today and all the recent yester-days
oatmeal being the most authentic bait to wake
or else we might not
wake up!
eliza and justin will take up opposite pillows on the floor
and listen to each others' silences
we love each other and and are shockingly comfortable
holding each others' fucked-up vomit, palms cupped

but still even from within the grave
even while being buried alive
beyond the shovels and torches
you look up and see the sky

ok i have written a lot
spilled myself all around
in darkish stains
but dont think
im very gone.
i motivate myself by
acknowledging how i become dead

emotional funks lead to funky beats and bleats

Wow, I am feeling abundant today!

Learning more about astrology, and coming to appreciate my own divine make-up (aries, with lots of pisces and capricorn) as well as the diversity of every individual.
Realizing my learning style is about enjoyment: if I can bliss out with some dubstep and a staff or hula hoop, a couple hours later I'll have found some new tricks.
Bria's taken me on a lot of journeys with my power animals (so far owl, whale, and scarab are coming up a lot) and when I get a soar throat I realize it's about some communication faults with my mom, and go into the underworld to return her soul piece that's gotten lodged in there. It's working remarkably well, as both times now the sour trout in my throat has disappeared almost instantaneously afterwards.
It's incredible how linked our bodies and psyches are.
I've wandered up into the jungle to see the natives living so simply; making crafts and roasting iguanas.
I've performed a clown show in the little town of punta banco, complete with my beatboxing troupe 'the divine fools' and some aerial hoop silliness.
I'm still eating a lot of guacamole.

Haven't drunk alcohol now since november!

Sometimes when everyone gets super new-age and culty, I tell them a story by Sorokin just to weird everyone out.
Sometimes we have "white tantra" workshops in which we say everything we love about ourselves and each other. It's pretty high, high like kundalini dance.

The sun has just set over the beach, and I'm readying myself for the walk up the super-steep hill. Clayton will teach us some more about sacred intimacy tonight.

oh! close your eyes, imagine a scene. within that scene, imagine a geometrical shape. how big is it? what is it made of? what color is it?
now imagine a ladder, somehow in relationship to the shape.

next time I post I'll tell you how these relate to your heart and soul!
keep bright. I want to visit chicago and sf sometime. I miss your smells.