Here's why I can't leave Chicago.

Lake Michigan is my o(w)nly site for prayer
July August
my frenzied festival of religious ecstasy
water warm enough to wade into
and let slip
murmured, stored up slights
at night
the edge of the world seeming
the land dropping off
and me far enough out
that I see no one

and the things I speak to the lake
it holds
today I beg
to be strong
not because I have learned not to get hurt
but because I am simply strength
and I apologize
the cigarette smoke the only burnt offering I can produce

long walk there
long walk home
bearing the penance of walking alone in the dark
bearing the heavy looks from those not alone
bearing the lashes of concrete on my bare feet

Lake Michigan holding me
and all my whispered promises
vows dropped in its terrible depths

and if I could I would drink the whole lake down
but the summer storms
have pushed the river beyond its boundaries
and shit has washed up in my temple
my eyes swell with bacteria every time I put my head in
but I can't leave
because the lake knows everything about me

Slowly, let it build, let it rise, up, bit by bit, mmm, woah woah, oh, waaahaa, ohhhhhhhh, waihoooooafhhhgahahahahaa.

Stop. Silence. shhh

I learned how to dance last weekend at a psystrance festival in the jungle of southern costa rica called "geo-paradise". I-- broke out of my bubble, let the energy build slowly, shared such sexy compassionate and aggressive dances with boys and girls. Sometimes we start with the root chakra and move towards the eyes. Sometimes its just in the eyes. Sometimes one person is moving frenetic energy and the other one is still, or we're grinding all three together, or we're contact dancing with our arms, one lift flowing into the next.
Falling exhausted onto the grass, limbs spread out with no energy to keep moving- but uh uh uh huh the music does its thing and effortlessly......

life is effortless. don't move, don't resist, don't desire, don't push. it will happen.

like this happened: "the divine playground": a free school half-hour uphill from a black sand costa rican beach, where artists are converging for a month and a half to teach each other-- fire spinning, yoga, shamanism, clowning, etc.
Wow! wow, wow, wow. I had hoped for a community in costa rica and it manifested itself.

Of course i make it sound like fairy land--perfect-full of light. It hasn't all been so easy, I've been wrestling with the tyrant of flow (Mateo), the tyrant of my own resistance, with being wet, with feeling lost. But overall, wow. I can't help but pray, have faith, express gratitude for my blessings.

evolution!