just a few words

consistencies
feel like failures of to be.
i me justin
this stuff
is not one wieldable self.
when i show up at a dinner, when i wake up
i am not one person, yet am trusted to be

Michigan Dreams

I'm sitting on a rock out at the point. I've got my knees drawn up to my shoulders with my arms around them and my elbows pointing out, one towards the lake and one towards the shore. I sit for longer than it takes to let my mind clear a little, and slowly the sky gets brighter. The clouds' bellies turn yellow, then pink, then red, but then a new layer of clouds settles in, delaying sunrise just a little. I hear a noise to my left.
There you are, hopping down the rocks like a mountain goat. On each footfall one of your black boots makes a clap on the stone. Then you're beside me. Our eyes meet, yours framed by the brightening sky behind. From what I can see your eyes are a little wet, a little tired, longish black lashes around a tile mosaic of white, green, brown, yellow, black.
I do not yet know you, but I have high hopes for our future.
"This seat taken?"
How absurd. Like you've read my mind, you ask the one question that I'd imagined someone would ask if they were to meet me right here, right now.
"Was saving it for you."
You sit down. There then stretches out a long silence, almost as if you have to catch up to me in the meditation of this place. I dare not utter a word. You don't wait longer than it takes for your mind to clear just a little, but you wait long enough. Then the sun emerges from behind the first layer of clouds.
During this interim I am calmer, much calmer, than I think possible. I am the pressure on my joints, I am the rock, the lake, I am you, but I am not me. When I find my hand suddenly curved around your far shoulder, I don't consider what I've done, because lakes don't consider. You fit your arm and hand on my left leg and knee.
If a certain cinematic feeling persists I don't notice, and if my heart beats a little faster I don't notice. And that's how we are when you first kiss me, there having been not more than a few words between us. Will the lake ever see you again? Most likely, but only time will tell, and the winter draws nearer.

can't sleep with the man who dims my shine

so last saturday justin and i left port angeles to begin a 6-day adventure into and around olympic national park
and while i was there, and after i've come back, i've wondered how to write about it here
because as certainly as i am a cephalopod,
this was an adventure.

here is a map and some lists. they suffice to tell the story.

purple star is where i live, red is bus, yellow is hitchhiked, blue is hiked

things i saw (copied from my notebook-- i made these lists every night except the first and last):
sun 30 aug at the beach in lapush
-mushrooms: alcohol inky caps, mycena amicta, wine-colored agaricus
-bald eagle atop a rocky outcropping with a seagull diving at it
-a living, washed up shark, about 3 feet in length
-wily chipmunks
-surfers
-grizzled gulls
-my breath
-pelican party
-the town of forks, taken over by twilight-readers/watchers
-trees and rocks that look like caspar david friedrich paintings, only west coast so no oaks-- spruces instead

mon 31 aug in the hoh river valley (948 ft elev)
-lots of mushrooms! including chicken of the woods and baby oysters, pleated pluteus, tawny almond waxy cap, yellow pholiotus
-a skeletal mountainside, graves of trees, white from a fire 30 years ago
-my broken camera
-the hoh river, bluey grey with rock and trees, classic pacific northwest image
-big big tree with a whole ecosystem at its base so tall and thick
-moss on phone booth roof at visitor center

tues 1 sept at hoh lake, (4500 ft elev)
-mushrooms! orange, purple, red, brown, white, scaly vase chanterelle
-the clouds from above (and in them, and below them)
-BIG BIG BIG cedars, spruce, fir
-a composting toilet with spectacular mountain views
-right now, these ridiculous trees covered in moss.dripping from everywhere, a light, sickly green, like something dr seuss or meghan would draw
-the meadows which smelled like delicious baking
-a doe and her 2 fawns
-a black bear bumbling on the hillside opposite our camp
-these mountains mountains snow and glaciers (mount olympus and all its peaks)
-tadpole parade
-submerged logs in hoh lake, slumber slumber
-trout babes and jumping fish

2 sept at appleton pass (5000 feet elev)
-that black bear, but close up
-an owl at bogachiel peak
-ravens at heart lake
-a goat outside our tent, nibbling and sniffing and terrifying
-blueberries blueberries blueberries staining my fingers and lips
-two small scummy nasty ponds

and there's no more written in my journal for the trip anymore, though the next day we went to the hot springs on our way out of the park so i got all this sludgey slime on me and smelled like eggs and nakedly asked strangers for directions. and saw a beautiful forest along boulder creek... the descent from appleton pass, though it was rainy, may have been my favourite part of the trip (???)

my mental soundtrack (songs that got stuck in my head on those long silent days of walking):
'leaving today!' christina aguilera
'i like it rough' lady gaga
'i am a wizard' harry and the potters
'genius next door' regina spektor
'man, i feel like a woman' (who sings this??)
'be our guest' beauty and the beast
'felix felicis' harry and the potters
'can you feel the love tonight' lion king (the parts where timon and pumbaa are talking)
'welcome' christina
'paparazzi' gaga
'elbow room' schoolhouse rock

and i can't remember anymore! i tried hard to remember my mind's playlist.

in other news i am trying to remember hindi and it is really sad. and to do reading for my civ class which starts in 3 weeks BLECH

also blech that this farm is boring and i can't imagine being here until the 19th... i have arranged a rideshare out of seattle on the 20th. there's really nothing to do here; i think all i do is weed and harvest. by the time i leave i will have accomplished nothing! weeds grow back and so do veggies. maybe i'll run away somewhere earlier or something. suggestions?
gee this blog has gotten active and i like it. hello good work i like your brains
.zee