life

i smell

Seizure Music

For one month, starting last wednesday the 26th, I am not drinking alcohol. I'll be hitting the blog up with an update once in a while on how that's going.
For starters, last night was a friday night, and we had a pretty standard-sized party here. Differences from usual parties for me included: not drinking.
for serious tho, I didn't buy any booze, and somehow there was enough for everyone anyway, which means that although there's usually a lot more than we had, I usually manage to take care of it all on my own.
I had a lot more energy than I thought I would. ya know how quitting smokers get an energy boost ~30 days after? Well I thought it would take that long. But I was still going strong at 2 or 3am. Not that I'm not usually going strong then. But I was going stronger.
Also, I ate more food. Turns out there's a lot of caloric content in alcohol. If you don't eat more to keep up with it, you'll feel like you're missing something (and you are).
Also, I had to pee less.

Anyways, the title of this post shall be the name of my next imaginary band.

two posts within 24 hours

today what a nice foggy thing cant believe 26 degrees feels warm
i have my pants rolled up

i will stop going to my classes and am feeling very buoyant
realizing my agency and wielding it despite the words (sometimes my own) of caution, of expectation -- o b l i g a t i o n
ill continue my dance class though because it is fun and feels good

my nature/environmental class was especially getting to me
i found myself at the end of each one incredibly tight in the muscles and face
and feeling unlocatably angry, unlocatable because my whole was reacting to this droning violence not just a part
my brain had to fight off so much blatant reductionism and convenient assumptions put out by the professor who spoke like a loom spinning and spinning unchecked
it was exhausting trying to protect all the mind-heart-work, mind-renewal i have been doing this past year. my brain couldnt wear his ideas, it had expanded beyond fitting
so i did a k, bye
and next came my drawing class
domino effect
guess at this point i am just not interested in doing anything i dont want to do
and i have desires
it has to be genuine at this point or nothing
dont give the faintest shit about bourgeois safety net, or the $ching$ching
some days,
there are so many ways to stay the same;
a kind of day
i feel id rather die than pretend to live

the la la humdrums

in the grey huge castle, we all the know the one;
dust stains my hands black that collects
atop the books sitting on behalf of their makers
who lie dead somewhere. the might of this school stands on their spines
and upon ours bent with the hours click clacking

instead of putting barcodes on their spines
i whip up play delight for myself
i urge the lights to flicker out
my brain spits pink light
imagine a neon violence

yellow clouds gather around my crotch

one by one bones crack

i walk fast through the aisles
stirring the air up with hands
do my spells convince?

and i joke myself into desiring nothingness
laying on the cold linoleum floor there is
simple ease and relief from the endless grey

to be or not to be has never made so much sense
to care or not to care
to nap or not to nap
destruction/boredom/rigamortis/waking up/soft belly/where did everyone go?/candle light/computer haze

so if you post your life
ill post my death
and together itll be like a bright night
something ill be running through

it's always sunny in the east bay

yuppie coffeedrinkers laugh
and down the street "the cutest kids in the bay" go to the church of religious science to walk the labyrinth and munch raw vegan maple cookies
and three blocks away is the hot mess haus--a hot mess of punk-hippy-homesteader-crafty-zinester-plantloving-injeramaking-radical-searching souls...
seems like everything here is either a few blocks or a few minutes away (nonprofit bike co-ops free paint free produce free people infoshops bookstores fancy haus sugarplum mansion pink purple blue haus the jam factory strong roots garden healthy hearts garden sliding scale farmstands phat beets farmers market in a school parking lot grove schafter park's basketball court)
and rosalyn stopped by with her shopping cart this morning and gave kevin a plant and some bagels. ron came by last night and asked for another veggie dog cause it blew his mind. and ahmed gave us a free beer for a plateful of bbq food!
not much more exactly except an abundance of small beautiful details--what a world (! / ?! / ???) i have fallen into here, of possibilities for living creatively, loudly, quietly. and maybe life is easier in the sun, and maybe that's okay? and still this morning it was hard to get out of bed, hard to get out of the haus--not for any good reasons except black mold on the back of my neck and the toilet's exploding and all those other small pleasures.
ah well...it's always sunny in the east bay.

oh no!

love is so complicated these days

we've taken our stories and models and blown them to bits

"what does dating mean anyway?"

what is it to like someone? as in, like like. what is it you desire from them? their body, their heart, their soul?

how many people can you really like at the same time? is it even possible to like several people at once and equally?

how many people can you sleep with for pleasure's sake?

what happens when you start thinking of only one person while having sex with many?

how can i keep you without myself being kept?

...how can we love without fear that it will someday end?

why is it that when i give you my body, i feel you like my heart less?

should i guard my body, keep it secret, so that you'll always have more to want? more to know?

the body, i think, is no less infinite than the heart. we can explore both equally, and still always have more to learn.

i still do not know what face you may make when i kiss the soft inside of your knee

or what it tastes like behind your ear

or how hard your heart can throb

when i get to know the personality of each toe, or when i find the finest hairs of your body, or when i enter all small holes

your tongue alone is a long walk

i

want

to

take

your body a temple

every lobe, every curve speaks secrets

of what it is like to be divine

just listen

what does it take to make your lips quiver?

or your eyes roll back?

or just to see you smile?

how can i open myself to casual, free love without relinquishing the promise of passionate, all-consuming affection?

the promise of another person to love a long time, a warm soft play friend through all

a book to read inside and out

will i even want it when it happens, or will i run and hide?

and will i just know it when i see it?

what is bonafide?

these questions encircle my mind

i believe it is to be young and so free

so free

bigger than this

i once wrote
that i would rather stay a mystery in silence
than be wrapped in any words

but then i learned the quick joy of chatter
of smiling with sounds
of bubbling and boiling with tongue play
and always the music
which we know fills us with meaning
more than anything else
, don't we?
like a spell
like some secret language we're only beginning to speak

still there are times
where to be utterly alone is to be utterly content
and where there is
nothing
more
eloquent
than nothing,
is there?

alone i do not have to worry about your love
i can dance about with my several selves
i can wear a dress in order to look like the wind
i can hope that soon maybe tomorrow
the dress will be superfluous
and wading in the sky i'll be

the banyan trees don't say much
but they are serious about their stature
it can be measured by the number they sink into the world
which radiate
not out
like a summer skirt
not like trees that only skim the surface
but drop down from their canopies
like a million little arms
each a cry in space
each a long tear that drop drop drops for everyone

talking to you is like looking up to the leaves of the banyan
and beyond
i open my eyes
seeing not the leaves and their forward flirting and falling
not seeing how no two are like
or how each is itself glorious cause
for a symphonic conversation
but instead focusing on the spaces in between and behind
the spaces so evenly spaced, with such legible luminosity, they must
just must
spell something in the language of the sky
a message you could finally make out
..if only you could open your eyes a bit wider
..if only the song was a little bit longer

which is not to say that i am trying to make sense of your silence
or to be reading between the lines of your words
although to be sure this silence has its say
but that when together
the stars come into focus
like our family in the sky, like the stories of all who are and ever have been
patterns of light that place us in the great human tragedy
our longing comes forward as something new and raw, yet imbued with past lives past loves
of someone old

i start to see you then
fall in fall in fall in fall out

a branch breaks
we fall from the tree and we puncture the spell
the world closes its book
and here we are in leaves again

please world, continue to read to me sometimes

i understand how you both wish to be known
and remain a secret

my religion is as beautiful as theirs

you go parallel to things
there is room for us in between
but if you go against things
say, perpendicular
there is no room to fit
there is overlapping
what is it to fit

moving a body against a body
but none of it really works
and not quite, quite moved by any each who
goes safely through

dead birds littered on the floor of the world
because they couldnt stay high
mama EnglanD is selling all their forests
half gone by 2020 go the hopeful speculations
as anything with the look of 20XX makes me
a sick lick of anger

walking backwards from the middle of the quads all the way to the reg
has people looking scared
but i not a dead bird (fireworks!) fish (water too cold) crab (water too bubbly)
im not the congresswoman with a bullet through her head
im not that person sitting in that classroom in front of professor shit-eating-grin

feeling i give deadly eye contact
now i dont know how to
knit flame to put my baby teeth in

"In the deserted harbour there is yet water that laps against the quays. In the dark and silent forest there is a leaf that falls. Behind the polished panelling the white ant eats away the wood. Nothing is ever quiet, except for fools. "

Slowly, let it build, let it rise, up, bit by bit, mmm, woah woah, oh, waaahaa, ohhhhhhhh, waihoooooafhhhgahahahahaa.

Stop. Silence. shhh

I learned how to dance last weekend at a psystrance festival in the jungle of southern costa rica called "geo-paradise". I-- broke out of my bubble, let the energy build slowly, shared such sexy compassionate and aggressive dances with boys and girls. Sometimes we start with the root chakra and move towards the eyes. Sometimes its just in the eyes. Sometimes one person is moving frenetic energy and the other one is still, or we're grinding all three together, or we're contact dancing with our arms, one lift flowing into the next.
Falling exhausted onto the grass, limbs spread out with no energy to keep moving- but uh uh uh huh the music does its thing and effortlessly......

life is effortless. don't move, don't resist, don't desire, don't push. it will happen.

like this happened: "the divine playground": a free school half-hour uphill from a black sand costa rican beach, where artists are converging for a month and a half to teach each other-- fire spinning, yoga, shamanism, clowning, etc.
Wow! wow, wow, wow. I had hoped for a community in costa rica and it manifested itself.

Of course i make it sound like fairy land--perfect-full of light. It hasn't all been so easy, I've been wrestling with the tyrant of flow (Mateo), the tyrant of my own resistance, with being wet, with feeling lost. But overall, wow. I can't help but pray, have faith, express gratitude for my blessings.

evolution!