feeling awake vs. being awake

silence so loud: so this is the life of the infinite? i is alive, i is awake?
why so much wondering pursuing my life if i am indeed alive.
am i to go through it
ever propping up the illusion that i am awake? it´s a fine thing so far. after all, the illusion has given me dancing, good food, gardens, forests, bikes, funny haircuts, costumes, great sex, electric ideas so much! is this the climax? maybe illusion is not the right word: it suggests regret, disingenuity, failure. not what i am going for! never!
but no matter how many ideas i go through i am not safe; i am safe when i do, when i act, when i am .

i notice when i want to feel alive i reach for the typical things: hiking, traveling, newness, hitching, gardening, camping, la-la, fucking, beautiful company etc
all greats things, especially when shared
but there still is a lingering something that suggests more
for a wild grove of youth.
knowing what we may know
what we feel,
are times urgent?
is there something going on?
something going down?
haven´t we been talking like something is?
is there something we should be doing together?
we this beautiful pile of imagination, youth, will, creativity, bodies, wonder kids
are we waiting for something?
have we waited too long?
not taken our connections and experiences together as faith in something promising and important?
are we just going to float on?
is there something to be realized before georgraphy and memory have their way with us?
is place our fate? what about something nomadic?

fear love stability home loneliness will have something to say about this, i bet they will.

these are all real questions and not just round about ways of stating stuff

lately i do not fall asleep at night
i put myself down on things to try
but what happens is something like
my self opening up like a strange flower.
crumbling away into dream, trust, excitement
i am brimming with something terrible and wonderful
i see your faces, and your light.
our voices, talking
we´re moving somewhere
the world is watching
because it is interested in love, courage, possibilities of the young.

i dont write this to be romantic. i cannot sleep. i dont know what
to do. that´s probably the important part.
at least, i have it down somewhere accessible to all of you.
not locked in my notebook.

Debrief in the situation room

Alright, an admission. For the past few months, my intestines have felt like they've been redirected. My stomach keeps vibrating at a rate I don't recognize and there's this bubble that sits in the back of my throat as if it's going burst upwards and tumble out of my lips. I sometimes feel like my legs will simply melt away. There are times when I feel so awake, I think I've probably sped past the barrier of humanness and into a place where I don't need to sleep. Which is to say, I am terrified. In some part of my brain, a little piece of me is going, "Gear up, motherfucker, shit's about to get real." And my adrenal gland rolls out the big guns. This is not your run of the mill, niggling, dull anxiety. It's not even the restlessness that grabbed me in my last year of high school that prompted aimless wandering through the cul-de-sacs of southern Connecticut. No, I am fully switched on. Like I am constantly prepared to stand up for my own measly existence.

Trouble is, I don't know what I am so frightened of. After all, there's a whole slew of things that it could be. Heck, it could be all of them! Sometimes I joke that I'm scared of everything. Unfortunately, it's less a joke than I like to think. In truth, I find most everything ridiculously bewildering and endlessly disturbing. And that fear is constantly kicking the fixer/tackler/compartmentalizer bit of my brain in the teeth. Recently, the fear bought a pair of steel-toed boots. Funnily enough, I think I like it. Almost like, when the scared part of me escalated its game so did the brave part of me. Hell, I bought my own pair of kicking boots and some armor for my face. I've learned a lot of new words to defend myself and cooked up some ideas to keep myself occupied. Those are my answers to the guns pointed my way.

So despite an instinct to line my insides with impenetrable metals, I think I should get used to this feeling. Maybe, it's not so bad.

The future is now

A big "Hi" to all you cephalopod adventurers out there, women, children, squids - I'd like to discuss an important Topic today.
This Topic is a secret that I cannot disclose at the current time.
I will, however, mention that I am going to Pittsburgh tomorrow morning, and that in Pittsburgh they all talk about the Topic all the time, including the time that has not yet happened, and the time that already did happen.
Can you guess what it is?

leli