quickly quickly because there's a lot to do
everything is happening
except in the dull moments when it's not
and the panic moments when it is, but it's too much to bear

i hate work, i want to work, i need work
i've lost the thread a little bit about why or how
but i keep looking

i see a play or seven
i hate some, i need some
oh god
i saw black watch tonight
in an armory of all places
(why don't we use armories more, they're so oddly beautiful)
i meant to see black watch in 2006
but i didn't because i was young and things don't matter the same way when you're sixteen
so so so
it's so good
plays about masculinity
of course i love them
because there's so much dancing and singing and fighting
as i walk the three blocks home
i whisper under my breath
as my heels click on the pavement, imitating those brave boys
"if there's any thing at all that i ever do, ever, may it be like that"
please
please
please
i draw a salt circle round my mind
i offer up my spectacular weakness, my bone-breaking pleasure-seeking
like salieri on my knees in church
this sink hole ache will bleed herself dry to have a glimpse of that
i will slice open goats
burn every stick of incense
and i will try to work, try so hard
stephen fry says, "everything that motivates me in life is emotional and appetitive, it is not intellectual...my whole life has been driven by nothing but desire, for all kinds of things, it started i think with sugar, it was an almost feverous desire, it was absolutely enormous, it was replaced by cigarettes and sex, it was the same physical thing...and love and passion too, the intellectual side is the slave of that desirous side."
you can have that
delete it

once i was an automaton
and i am glad that i can feel again
but i miss the old girl
the serious little girl
who craved little but the chance to work and then be alone

i suppose that might be wrong
i don't care?