silence is dangerous when you make it talk

in a boy's body that pretends it's ready to be something else:

i am not a bird or
a tree that stands in everything
loving its own life for a long time.
i dont know how to be that way
though apparently i keep trying.
im not the immaculate berry riot
in the garden
satisfied to do what it does and
no more.
oh, but right, we read in books now
how everything is everything else
dont fear, we'll be reborn
as a leaf or a rock.

fuck that i dont want to live for that
because i cant
if i cant live as a brain heart with
ten fingers ten toes i cant be the mushrooms
or the rain.
i cant be the rock. i'd let us all down.
we're learning how we'll all heal by
growing organic vegetables on stolen land.
it's the new salvation.
and if i cant have faith in that then it's my fault.
im told the tides are coming through
and we're all gonna change into better things
we'll be more like before but different.
ive heard that death is also different and that
people are waking up that
it's only a matter of time until
folks renounce their stupors
and shit-filled pinatas and
we'll forget that we're boring and unloved.

i love the bird overhead , the one that dips
down from endless grey mute
but i cant be that bird and i dont know a thing
about flying. it cant see me down here
through the panes of glass
among the poems i write to save myself
each one less and less effective.
i guess what i am saying is
ive hit the ground.
im against it.
the only thing preventing me from becoming it
is my beating heart and time.

how can you ask me to dream in the style that you do?

your world and mine are not the same, despite what mary says.

i dream to wake up and just find some berries.

i know magic is real and i know a lot already about love.

i am nervous about being a puppet to an idea.

be it love.

why?

i distrust the glorification of life,

fetishization of eye contact and the truth

i wont put up with it,

the aggrandizers.

it is not endless bliss and cosmologically ordained.

it's not seamless light. and

i dont always know how to hold what it is you have given.

do you fear me then?