New York

So big news surprise unsurprised
I'm letting my jet set ticket slide by today
I will not be coming back to Portland just yet.
I'm on this crazy beautiful limb and want to follow it to the end
Might fall might not
I've been xxxworking and that has been going fine fine
Complicated for sure but mostly just whatever fine
I might have enough to get a brief space soon
I've swung into a strange group of queer performing arty tarts here
Some of them are famous in the world
Weird ok new York, right this is what new York is about
Had a performance last night at a freak tranny queen dance hall
And I gotta say I killed it it killed me. While I performed
I kept new York in my mind and all that it stands for and told it 
You have not seen anything like me yet, which says nothing about me
But tells the city to stop acting bored and unmystified
And so my child got to dance and revenge itself onto this world
Had a few people approach me and ask to talk about project making
Whoa, I feel the precipice of my own particular potential, and of course 
I have to avoid mirrors
They are at every turn.
I'm not giving up on Portland or the simmering dream of us
But my intuition tells me I need to be here now
It longs to kick out some old ghosts of mine
Ghosts that say art is bad ego and selfish, city new York is nothing good, the world is dying! Urgency! Urgency!
to be honest being here has been good for me
I realize that even without a constant flow of tinctures, fermented foods 
Even without a pure post McDonald's lifestyle I feel good and do well
My body lives. I ride my new bike friend and walk
This place is really some wicked tight rope
We are all walking it alone yes
But together
The big human experiment
How long can we go 
On like this in this city
Hovering over the earth
Taking taking because we are so aware that this almost didn't happen
We almost didn't happen like this.
It's not that people don't get that this is fucked up
But this is the world and we want to feel good and find other hands to hold
Some here want to see how far this joke can go
And who is still all laughing
We want to laugh in drunken piles
Hair and scalps to sniff
Butts and cunts to lick
Lips to tear at, we want to
Push our beauty into stranger and strange molds 
Smile or cry about what comes out.
We can't all divorce our own stories and hang liminally in their absence
Tear out your heart and act like the blood doesn't flood and throb into the hole
The nerves screaming
I'm sorry for ever expecting all the world to do this
Or to do as I do.
Keep your hearts folks whatever they are.
This doesnt mean I embrace
Brooklyn or the kingdom of vanity
I don't hug the rapists. I see them. I understand. Ive fantasized about being raped before
am i the monster or the monstered?
Circles of undertanding, appreciating how a circle looks
How one thing leads to another
Still
I keep an eye on the balanced individual, the one who can exist in any world
And remember to return to the honesty of the self.
honesty mocks new York. it is what has been lost. The city stands as a glitzed placeholder of what has died.
New yorkers replace radical honesty with radical sarcasm , acerbic blah blah and bitter wisdom. Which is a kind of realness and honesty for sure. But the honesty I hold above is to love, to the body to the eyes. To the sky, cat friends and goats and mountains.
The honesty that occurs in the crisis of a room of an apartment cry screaming. I am lost I am lost. Be brave enough to admit the deepest grade of yourself.
if I find myself growing dishonest I will leave.

And right now it just so happens
My honesty is most potent as a pair of legs descending a
staircase, to the darkness holding my queer brothers and sisters. 
They are sipping until very drunk, adorned to extreme but without a follow through
Never a revealed soul.
I will tear this dullness apart, I will
I do, I did it again last night.
Sweat, whiplash, pulse. Fearless unseaming
Making meaning from emptiness
Inventing myself
Along the dudgeon
On behalf of my story
Our story
Of oppressed bodies.

I will be body. I am body.
Bodied fuck me I am sex. This is my body.
My fucked up beautiful fat bones. Hair stubble cum slut butter.I am not ashamed that
It moves like this I will hug you, move myself between your yous. slap you. Beat myself on the floor
Thrash until the muscles burn.
I am bodied.
Body rage. Body calm.
Flesh yes.