Followed a calling and came up to Mount Shasta for a medicine circle yesterday, and am feeling comfy (sleeping in a heated home for the first time in a couple of months), domestic, and overwhelmed by this culture of dreaded california growers and rainbow songs on repeat. "Blessings, brother." Flow, healing, evolution.

I am mostly blissful, but also doubtful.

One thing that's been bothering me is the conflation of sacred cultures, e.g. medicinal plants from Peru discussed in terms of chakras. I feel this analytic anthropologic need to keep traditions pure, to go back to the sources behind all this California fluff. But why can't I simply be thankful and open towards the "new tribe" that's being created here? Sometimes I feel drawn towards Argentina to the international rainbow gathering and the gypsy horse caravan afterwards towards Bolivia. Wow. Dreamland. It's suddenly available to me, but is it me?

Mateo assures me that the rainbow gatherings are not about fluff but survival. He's been traveling the world for five years now and is one of the most in-tune people I've ever met. We had a hysterical-laugh session the the other day, yelps, giggles, howls for over ten minutes--- after which Mateo launches into a full-on kundalini awakening with full body spasms and uncontrollable orgasm-like noises. "But it's no big deal," he repeats. What is a big deal?

I had come to ceremony hoping to gain some clarity about what what what do I want to do with this life, and feel now even more uncertain. Life at no-yo gardens is all I had hoped for in so many ways, but the isolation can be hard. Once Kris, Mateo, and Yanti leave, will I want to stay? Where will I go? Should I plan or not plan? California, why do you leave a sour taste in my mouth after the organic syrupy sweetness?

Why am I so worried anyway?